So…well….Where am I?........(blank)…… What do I really want? ……(blank)….Where are my dreams? Where is my inspiration?.....Where are my positive thoughts?….. What on hell has happened? ……….I really have no idea….What is wrong? What happened to me? This is not me….or this wasn’t me…..Why do I think so much….I didn’t used to do it…..What I used to do was to feel…..no thinking at all. I was sure that I am on the right way, no matter that I didn’t know the answer. No matter that I didn’t know what will be my next step. But now it is totally different. I don’t feel….it is like I just can’t. Someone erased this ability….. But please…. I want it back…..It is like it is not me……My best tool is not here with me….or I just i can’t find it…. I cant be myself, because I don’t feel what I am…I forgot who I am….who I was…..where I am going…..No matter why….. I know that you can hear me.....Just give me one direction…. I changed it so many times that I really lost its tray…..you are giving me some signs…..but not for one direction, but for ALL. It is really like that you are showing me all the possible ways……how can I know which exactly is mine???? HOW !?!?!? Why I can’t hear you ….I can’t feel you directing me as before…..What did happen??? What did I do wrong? Where did I get lost?........please help me to find myself again….Help me start feeling again…..This is my essence…. what am I now without it???All I know and all I can feel is that I am lost….
Ok,….I will relax….I don’t want to keep these endless questions which are rushing my mind almost constantly….I just close my eyes…..Take a deep breath iiiiiiiiin ………..and ouuuut.
“Oh…what is this? I cant sit like this anymore….I feel totally restless… I am not comfortable even with myself…..What I am doing? It is like it is suffocating me….but what is this? I don’t know…I just can’t sit and keep quiet. Or my mind just doesn’t let me. It is like it is afraid of the silence….It just keeps on thinking and thinking and again (guess what ?!?!?)..…thinking…..But I said that I will take some rest….I will take a break of my thoughts …..Oh yeah…..Forget about it !!! It is not gonna happen like this……
Ok…. I will turn back a little bit…the problem should be somewhere here….somewhere around me…..When did it start? When did everything start changing in this abnormal way? When?! Why? What?! Why? Why? Why?........Come on….it is like I m not moving at all…..Again my stupid questions…..and….nothing more…..I am still at the same point like 5 minutes ago,….like 15 minutes ago….like yesterday …and like 3 days ago…like 1 week ago……BUT I WANT TO CHANGE…………..CANT YOU HEAR ME!?!?!?!? Where are you??!?!!? Please save me from my craziness…..from my mind……making me totally mad….and weak….
I start looking at my recent past…..events,…people….situations…coming…going….. What? what ? What was the last one?!?!? ….GOING……. OH YEAH !!! Now I remember! Is it about HIM? HE, who has disappeared…..HE, who has walked away….HE, who has GONE….simply G-O-N-E………Where?- somewhere…..thousands kilometers away…..maybe somewhere in the big ocean…..or just somewhere……no matter where exactly this is…..but far away enough. Enough for…. Making me suffer. Ok I want to set him free. No….I want to set MYSELF free…To BE FREEEEEE..Just to forget about him…... That’s all…..Is it soo difficult? Is it too much ? Ok….GO AWAY wherever you want …. Wherever your path and heart lead you…. and never come back!!! I just want my inner strength …my inner peace back….I just want my ability to feel again…..Not YOU and nothing about you….. just to feel ……….MY LIFE……to feel that I am still alive….I don’t want to feel that a piece of me is lost…… not exactly a piece…..but my essence- my feelings!!! My ability to feel…..Myself…..my LIFE…. my Heart…. MY DIRECTION…….Maybe I am too selfish now…..But now I really want to be selfish….just this time…….But I really need my piece of my puzzle…..just to go on…….To go on my life….my life story…….”
